TECHNIQUES IN SEXUAL AROUSAL

In many authoritative writings, much has been made of the fact that various sexual stimuli affect men and women in different ways, but this point requires clarification. In the first place, these differences are not so extensive as one is often led to believe, and the Kinsey investigators have demonstrated the fact. For instance, in a province one takes to be strictly male—burlesque shows and stag films, among other similar erotica—the Kinsey researchers found that one-third of the women in their sample had as strong a sexual response as men to such stimuli, while a small percentage had an even stronger one.
Although there are certainly some fundamental differences between men and women in particular stimuli-response patterns, there is probably considerably less such dissimilarity between the sexes than there are characterological variations in sexual response among members of the same sex. Strange and interesting sexual excitants have been recorded in the erotic histories of both men and women. The Kinsey investigators report, as examples, that some women have been brought to orgasm simply by having their eyebrows stroked, by having their body or hair gently blown upon, or by having pressure applied to their teeth.
Basically, the sex drive of women is as powerful as that of men; but they do in the main respond to different types of both psychological and physiological stimulation, and they respond in a slightly different manner. Women have been conditioned for generations, by a society muddled in its thinking on sexual matters, to inhibit, if not deny altogether, their sexuality and to stifle normal response to sexual stimuli. These culturally imposed inhibitions no doubt account for the popular misconception that women are erotically less responsive than men are.
Sexual arousal in humans, both male and female, springs from psychological as well as from physiological sources. Such arousal usually begins with verbalization and indirect gestures. In time, couples usually build up their own private store of verbal endearments, which are then used advantageously to set the stage for satisfying sexual interplay. A husband can, and should, express to his wife his feelings that she is loved, exciting, and sexually desirable by calling her a pet name. The wife can, and should, convey her pleasure in her husband by responding readily with similar endearments. To make the sexual partner aware that one enjoys his or her appearance, talents, intellect, strength, and the like is only half of a successful preliminary sexual interaction; the partner must also be made to know that he is enjoyed and appreciated as a lover.
To abandon oneself in an uninhibited expression of one's love and excitement, to have these manifestations eagerly accepted, to receive in turn spontaneous and equally unrestrained expressions of love and desire: these are the ingredients intrinsic to a sexual relationship in its deepest and fullest measure. Frequently the husband derives his greatest sexual pleasure not from his own orgasmic response, but from his wife's full participation in the sex act wherein she relinquishes herself completely to their lovemaking, and freely communicates to her husband that he is responsible for giving her such uniquely exquisite pleasure. The more reckless and uninhibited the response, short of causing severe physical pain, which a wife makes at the peak of sexual excitement, the more pleased most husbands are.
On the man's shoulders, whether he likes it or not, commonly rests the burden of directing a couple's sexual activity. Furthermore, the wife ordinarily expects her husband to proceed through all aspects of their sexual life with an air of confidence. One finds it difficult to fathom just how a husband is to acquire confidence if he is inexperienced, yet has been indoctrinated with fearsome warnings against "failure in bed," as most men are in their formative years. Even though the young bride herself may be grossly inexperienced and know very little about sex, its techniques, and its stimuli-response patterns, she nonetheless is likely to expect her husband to be experienced and expert in the art of lovemaking—and often will be dismayed if he is otherwise.
The new wife's expectation, then, of expertise and confidence on the part of her young husband in the marriage bed frequently ignores the very real possiblity that he, too, may be lacking in proper experience. Furthermore, he may, quite likely as much as his bride, be a victim of society's sexual prohibitions and unsound training in sexual matters. It is indeed unfortunate that custom has decreed fixed roles in male-female relationships, most particularly the amatory one, in which the husband is always expected to be dominant and, above all, confident. The disparity between the expectations on the one hand, and the inexperience on the other, together with the faulty sex education both husband and wife may have received, frequently lays open the way for emotional stress that eventually may be manifested in various sexual problems.
Sexually inexperienced young men (and women, too, for that matter) are therefore well advised to acquire as much dispassionate information as they can from authoritative books, lectures, teachers, and the like—and it might be pointed out that one's peer group seldom falls into this category—on the subject of sexual technique. If they enter marriage with only academic information in the matter of human sexuality, inescapably their initial sexual experiences will tend to be more mechanical than spontaneous. But they also will have more of an air of confidence than if they had no knowledge, or only knowledge dangerously based on hearsay.
Confidence and an effort at taking charge in initial sexual encounters will enhance a man's chances for success to a considerable degree. Even if he does not feel as confident as he might like, he should conduct himself as if he knows what he is doing, and as if he is in control of the relationship. His assumption of confidence will go a long way to instill confidence in his wife. It follows that once frank communication regarding their sex life is firmly established between husband and wife, helping one another in this area becomes easier and less inhibited.
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